We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
