I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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