I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
