Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
