i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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