She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
