I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
