i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
