I wish I could teleport
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
