His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize