Dude my mom stole all your condoms
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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