I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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