I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
