She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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