I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
