I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm bleeding and have questions
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
