Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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