idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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