a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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