I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
