is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
