She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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