Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm like, not good at living.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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