Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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