he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
