you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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