You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
