Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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