oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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