The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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