My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
