Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
babies were throwing up all over the place
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
