I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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