I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
