my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
