Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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