The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
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