Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
