I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
