Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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