If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Randomize
