What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I don't deserve a penis
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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