you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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