There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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