Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
