Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Randomize
