Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
