We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
We need to rekindle our bromance
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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