Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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