her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
