my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
