I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
