Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Everything about him screamed your future.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
