Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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