I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
