I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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