Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
