Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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