You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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