Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
