Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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