Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
