these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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