I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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