I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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